For a very long time I had to fight against the fear of failure. In my past all the teachers and many other people I met told me "You can't do it./You are hopeless./Just give up./It's not for you./Give it up." Even without giving me a chance they decided I didn't have it in me. Those words were planted as seeds into me cause at that time I didn't know it was something I should pray away and lay it down before God.
Like that I started to think I can't do anything, it's useless, everything I do will go for nothing. Why am I even trying? It was like that. I am a fighter (yes, I realized this one just a while ago, too lol), so I still keep working. But no matter how hard I worked on anything, even if it was not my fault something went wrong in the end. Fail. For a while I thought I was cursed. Many of my friends who knew me for a long time agreed.
And with this fear I started my art college. Actually I am a fast worker. But one painting which I could easily finish in less than one hour, sometimes took me days just because of the fear of failure. It took me courage to even bring a line on the paper. It's like a staring contest between the paper, pen and me.
Well, I heard many artists have this problem. And I know everyone has this fear of failure. Some more, some less. Especially children nowadays. I don't know how it is in other countries. But where I live, kids struggle in schools with this fear and some give up very soon. And the adults wonder why there's no improvement and get frustrated and let those frustration on the kids and that will lead to less confidence in the kids.
No wonder, you know why? Because this world demands abilities for value. If you have nothing to offer, you have no value, you are a nothing. This is the way of this world. And that's why God is so great. In HIS kingdom it's the opposite: You are valuable no matter what. This is something I've learned from Bethy Barone's "Pure Water" teaching. It showed me how being a nobody in this world is a great blessing. I recommend it to everyone... again.
I want to share with you how God lead me out of this nightmare.
It all started with a prayer (of course!). I prayed for years over years over years. I mean, I was helpless, how does one get rid of this fear? You caaaan't! You let God do. So, I prayed.
And I think God started to move starting in the college I am in right now. Here, for the first time in my LIFE, I met teachers who encouraged me, pushed me forward, believed in me, gave me chances and challenges. At first I didn't know how to deal with these treatments, I was so confused lol This was a whole new world for me. That's why I thank God for them every day and bless them every day and pray for them to meet Him. And I go and thank them, too, personally.
Beth Barone said God sometimes heals us through the cause of the wound, like when you were hurt by a bad teacher God will heal you through a good teacher. That's when I realized God started to work on this issue earlier than I thought.
Then by chance I came to watch this movie "Meet The Robinsons".
You know... I probably watched all the Disney's animated movies that came out until now, if not, at least I know the names. But "Meet The Robinsons"?! somehow must have slipped my eyes, cause I didn't know that it even existed. Maybe because I am not into time travel movies. No, really, I think they are stupid in many ways...
But by chance.... "JUST BY CHANCE!" I watched it on TV. And it changed my life.
In the story 12 years old orphan Lewis, a brilliant brain, invented something for the science contest at his school. But at the presentation it failed just because some villain loosened two screws to ruin his project. But little Lewis, not knowing that fact, thought it didn't work out because he is no good.
TWO! SCREWS! Think of that... Like Lewis we might be just two screws away from success and we are not even at fault, but we just don't know it and give up by blaming ourselves, thinking we are no good.
Well, somehow he ended up at this crazy family's house and they urged him to repair something. He tried and he failed and he started to apologize again. But the reaction of the family is something I think we all should learn from: They celebrated. They celebrated saying "From failing you learn, from success not so much.", "Keep moving forward!", "You are a special kid.", "You are one of a kind.".
At the end of the story little Lewis' "I have no future" turned to "I have a bright future before me." Cause he realized no matter how bad the past looked like if you keep moving forward you can have a great future.
I mean... I've heard those things like how great people became great – they never gave up and stuff. But this was visual and no one ever said "Let's celebrated failure!".
I was so flashed. I was so encouraged. I just kept saying "WOW!" walking up and down my room, grateful to God who used this movie to encourage me just in the right time.
One of the teachers I really do respect a LOT, he can do almost everything! And he is really very blessed with the gift of teaching, not many have that gift and still teach, but HE definitely has the gift from God. He just doesn't know it. Please pray for him. :D I had a long talk with him when I was very down with my selfconfidence. And he told me he had the same fight that I have right now and he said the secret is to not give up, learn from the failures and apply what you learned in the future. And it was a great encouragement for me because if THIS great teacher had the same fight and overcame and became such a great artist... I must have a chance too...
That's not the end of the journey.
In the morning, while I prepare for college, I always listen to CSN International Radio because "The word for today" with pastor Chuck Smith comes just before my classes start.
One morning pastor talked about how Samson is also in the hall of faith [Hebr.11:32]. Yeah, Abraham, David, Moses, they all sinned, too, but Samson? How can he be in the hall of faith? But the pastor said it's because God does not remember our failures. He remembers our sins no more... [Hebr.8:12, Isa43:25]
Isn't He... an awesome God? I was so moved...
If we would think like God, we wouldn't remember our failures...
Failing is good. Remember Peter and Judas both failed. Judas suicided, Peter repented, learned and became great for the kingdom of God. (Ok, maybe this is not the best example cause sin is no good but failing... Omg, this is another whole section but you know what I mean :,D)
It costs a lot of strength to keep moving forward, but remember God is our strength, no limit on this strength. You just need to go before God and ask for more. I do it every day in the morning. If not I would not survive the day.
Oh yeah, there's one more testimony:
About a half year ago something big happened and I was greatly frustrated cause I didn't see how prayers did any good for me, I really felt like my prayers were just thrown against the wall or anything. But everyone was like "Nooo, God answer you, you just don't see it." So I said to God "Ok, that's it probably. If You are answering and it's just ME not seeing your answers then come on, open my eyes, let me see!" And guess what... He heard that prayer and started to show me bit by bit, small things but great to my heart... Realizing that I cried. I can't remember shedding that much tears of gratefulness in my life, if anything, it was the first time ever. That much I was grateful, still am.
But hey, brothers and sisters... I summarized all this, what happened until now by talking to my mom last week. And I realized how God worked on this issue in me. One of the greatest breakthroughs in my life... I have no words...
And looking back I realized one more thing... We have no need for regrets. Cause as children of God we know He turns everything to good. Everything. No matter what, everything! Even failures turn to our benefits! From fear of failure to benefits of failure. We just need too keep moving forward. And no matter what we have a great future, right guys?! WE HAVE THE GREATEST FUTURE IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD! It is a promised future! "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." [Jer.29:11] The german translation says "...to give/grant you future and hope." ("Denn ich kenne ja die Gedanken, die ich über euch denke, spricht der HERR, Gedanken des Friedens und nicht zum Unheil, um euch Zukunft und Hoffnung zu gewähren.")
"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" [Psalm27:1]
Guys,... God is so good... God is SOOOO good...
No word comes to my mind thinking of what God has done and is still doing...
We do not tarry on yesterday. We live in today and look towards tomorrow with no fear and no regret.
Fail a lot. Keep moving forward. Just keep swimming.
For God is for us.