I am a pastor's daughter and I loved and served Jesus since the beginning. I am the 4th generation of Christian from my mama's side but I think the best reason why I could love and live for Jesus was because my mama always showed me how much she loves Jesus. All the passion she got for Him and her life in Christ, it just stained on me.
I started to evangelize when I was in the elementary school. I just loved to talk and hear about Jesus. I always believed that nothing could harm me because God is always with me. But time went by and the world showed me his ugly face. I was rejected in any possible ways, was oppressed, bullied, harassed, hated, and many other bad things happened. And mostly it was because I didn’t hide the fact that I believed and loved Jesus. But even so I still said "I still love Jesus more than anything in this world", "Jesus loves me", "He suffered too and He was rejected too", "He is still with me"." Today, I am amazed about the past me. I wonder where I had that kind of faith from. I wish I will be as pure as that time again. This changed when I was in 8th grade. I said "God, I love you but I really want to have friends now. So I will not talk about You to them, ok?!" I think that was the time when the real journey of my faith started. I finally had friends and I had fun but the distance to God grew farther. I reached out for friends, fun, freedom (oh how I loved my freedom!) and love. But you know what? All those things can disappear at once and you stand there empty handed... 2010 I tried to kill myself twice because of the environment I lived in in the year 2009. I was only surrounded by alcoholics, drug-dependent people, chain smokers, very broken people. At that time I was able to see and hear demons who would permanently tell me "Kill yourself, kill yourself". And when I would answer "No, it's forbidden" they would say "Kill someone else". They were such a plague. I still believed that God exists but I thought that He wanted to let me live here on earth just to torture me. I thought He must hate me. Whenever I prayed for other people, He helped. But whenever I prayed for important things for myself, He never helped or answered. And only bad things kept happening in my life. So I didn’t want to have any connections to Him. The 1st time when I tried to suicide I woke up in the hospital and I was brought to the intensive station of psychiatry. When I saw the sick people and how they were treated there, I knew that no one can ever get out of there, no one can help them, they are trapped, it’s like a prison, you rather get crazier in there. No doctor can heal, no one can, except... Jesus... I knew that even in that condition and situation. It was a very clear and sharp knowledge I had in my mind and heart... I know now it was the Holy Spirit who set that knowledge in me at that time. The 2nd time I wanted to jump into the river at night. It was a perfect opportunity: No one was there! No human, no cars passing by. Perfect. But when I was about to jump, suddenly, out of nowhere, two police officers came and held me back. I was so angry! Because I knew what actually was happening there. I shouted "Who sent you?" and they answered "No one! It really was a coincidence, we are as surprised as you are!" "Liars!!", I shouted. Because I knew that it was actually God who held me back by sending those cops. So I was angry at God. I said to Him "Is this what you want? You want me to suffer this badly? You won’t let me die? You must really love to watch me suffer! Why? Why do You hate me so much? What have I ever done to You???" I ended up in psychiatry again. If you land in psychiatry twice they send a judge who would decide for them to keep you in there or not. Through a higher grace I got out of there. But my mama wouldn’t let me out alone anymore, understandably. In my despair I called an old friend who was a Christian and we talked about my situation. Then... as she prayed for me... no one could help me until now, no one! But in one second God took away all the bad things such as pressure, depression, heaviness from me and blessed me with such a great... indescribable love, hope, joy, trust, freedom, life,... I still can not describe that grace God poured out on me that time... For me freedom was very important. It gave me the feeling of fresh air I breathe in. But after Jesus pulled me out of that depression He let me realize that that freedom I was looking for was always in Him. We search for love, freedom, joy, acceptance, hope, trust in the world with fail. Everyone agree with me on this fact, even Non-Christians. But we search them in the wrong places: in people, alcohols, drugs, parties, hobbies, anywhere but we never get satisfied because they are just temporal. So we walk from one thing to another just to get satisfied for a short time to fill in this emptiness in us. Beloved... I want to tell you, this is just foolish. I know now that the things we are looking for can all be found in Jesus Christ alone. If you let Him in your life He will give you anything you have ever longed for. And it will be something that you never would want to change for anything else in this world. If you are not a Christian but are touched by this testimony and want to invite Christ in your life but just don’t know how, please feel free to contact me, I would be honored to help you with prayers and more if you want. I wish for everyone to experience the same love, joy, freedom, hope, real life, faith and power of the living God Jesus Christ! For there is nothing greater than that in this world. In deep love of Christ, dandelion. |
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